Losing the Battle

            “What the hell is this?” I snarled after a sudden growth sprouted in my abdomen. The strange feeling of warmth and cramping woke me up from yet another nap. I’d been getting sick recently (for which I blamed the birthday cake Gloria managed to burn) and had also been considerably tired. I rubbed my palms across my bloated belly. Something was very wrong.

“Told ya you’d regret not taking my offer.”

“What are you talking about?” I growled.

“Don’t you remember? I prepared myself to apologize to you, in case you are actually genuinely interested in men, and even offered you the option to adopt instead of having a kid. And then you just blew me off. Remember?”

“No, I don’t mean that I can’t recall you breaking into my head—I mean what is in my stomach?”

“A baby of course.”

“How is that even possible?!”

“With magic. It seems hard to believe that you’d forget that I’m a witch, seeing as how your entire family just calls me ‘the witch.’”

“This is too far! Not even magic can do something like this. How does it even work?”

“I dunno, maybe a free-floating womb or something? I don’t really care.” The conversation paused while I seethed, attempting to reign in my anger. My shaking hands could have also stemmed from fear. The witch eventually spoke up again. “Well, I better go. I just stopped by to tell you congratulations. You’ll make such a lovely family.”

            It was a long time before I could force myself to move. It couldn’t have been possible, yet I felt it was. I put on a brave face, knowing that she was watching. I even tried to talk myself into feeling that way. I couldn’t lose. I was the heir, the brilliant anti-hero. I would not sit quietly and let my plan be foiled.

            I stormed off from my makeshift room. Mom caught me. “You know, don’t you?” she asked me in a flat tone.

“I’m starting to piece it together.”

           She reached out and put a sympathetic hand on my arm. When her voice cracked during her next words, I began to worry harder. “Francis, I am very sorry! I wish this hadn’t happened to you. I tried to change her mind, but it seems as if my attempts were futile.”

            I was really pregnant. A pregnant man.

            The thought of it made me retch. I barely made it to the toilet.

            I was restless, my mind raging with hundreds of angered thoughts. My life was going to become a pawn, just like my mom’s. The witch had beaten me—cheated but beat me nonetheless. Despicable!

            I put on the baggiest sweatshirt I could find and headed out to the bookstore. Research needed to be conducted, but I didn’t want anyone to notice my small baby bump. I was not about to become the talk of the town for being a pregnant freak.

            When I returned home, I slipped into my lair and settled in to read the various baby books I purchased. None of them spoke about male pregnancies, no surprise there. They did however list the thousands of things that a parent could do wrong. The information was all useless to me. I threw the hard cover book against a wall and paced angrily for a while.

            I purposefully waited until Finch was asleep to come up from my shed that first night with child. The old dope would either think I was a mutant and vanish or be overjoyed with the news of having a brat. Neither option seemed appealing at that point.

            As my stomach steadily grew larger, there came a time when I knew I needed to tell my husband. He’d been pestering Mom about why I was avoiding him. I caught him in the hot tub, which he immediately pulled himself out of upon my entry into the room. “Francis, are you alright? Are you still sick?”

“I haven’t thought of a way to make this not sound idiotic, so I’ll just say it straight. You knocked me up.”

            He looked down at my stomach and then wasted no time in gushing. “I’m not even going to question this miracle! You continue to make me the happiest man in town!”

            It was almost sweet to see the geezer feeling up my pregnant belly. Then I remembered the implications of my being attached to the big round thing.

            Carrying around the stupid thing made me feel fat. Sure, I could stand there and say that it was just the baby and nothing else, but that didn’t make me feel any less huge. I started to forget about the hard work I put into my ruined body and gave in to my burgeoning cravings.

            Once the cat was out of the bag at home, Mom decided it would be a brilliant move to throw a freaking baby shower! “Do you hate me? Is that why you’re doing this to me?”

“No, that doesn’t make sense. I am giving you a party because it is the caring thing to do.” She looked up from her book and smiled towards nothing in particular. “I am also excited for my grandchild.”

“Lois has already given you two! Why can’t you go bother her instead?”

            Mom’s mind was set and soon people were coming into my fortress and setting down gifts.

            She promised me it would only be family, but of course a couple of looky-loos got in. If I didn’t love her, I would have throttled her.

            Everyone reacted differently to the ‘family miracle.’ Freddie surprised me by not being a complete butt. He was actually supportive and excited. As was Cousin Greg.

            Kylie and her mother couldn’t care less.

            Milton was the only one to openly jeer at me. I called him a bastard, which went over his empty head.

            I suppose Aubrey laughed too, but, after eavesdropping on her, I surmised that one of her invisible friends was simply making a joke.

            After I was stared at like an animal in the zoo for several hours, it was time to open presents.

            Most of it was lame baby junk like I guessed it would be.

            Freddie got me a nice rocking chair. It could still be classified as baby junk, but at least it was a nod to our childhood.

            After presents, the guests helped themselves to my food, openly discussing my strange pregnancy.

            Finch told me it would be over soon and pulled me into a long embrace. It was actually pretty nice, and I caught myself thinking that I was lucky to have him as my husband. Then I remembered that it was partly his fault I was even stuck in the situation. Why did I have to be the only of us to carry a freaking person around?

            Boring Gloria decided that my party wasn’t interesting enough. As if anything she could do could come remotely close to being as interesting as a male giving birth!

            Annoyed and tired of everyone, I went to bed.

            Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I continued to treat myself to fried goodies. Mom only commented once, asking me if I’d like to keep the weight after having the baby. I told her to buzz off.

            “I think you should leave him alone, Aspen,” Finch came to my side. “Whatever makes him happy is fine by me.”

            He grew even sweeter as time pushed forward. He always made sure to ask me if I needed anything and to reassure me that I was still an attractive mate.

            When I was close to my due date, I made a vow to myself. If this child was really going to happen, making me nothing more than the witch’s plaything, then I would have to help my offspring take her down. I would continue with my plans for riches, completing that goal so that they would only have to worry about genetics. And perhaps I could accomplish that as well.

            I was petrified when the first pains of labor socked me in the stomach.

           “So this is really happening?”

            I waddled myself back inside. There was no way I was going to go to the hospital. I would not become an even bigger sideshow.

            Finch rushed to me and then promptly freaked out. That made me feel better about my own wailing.

            Mom came home just as I was started to be able to deal the incredible pain. Or maybe my head became over processed and could no longer pick up on it. Whatever it was, she ran in and became the loud one. “Francis, what are you doing here? You need to go to the hospital!”

“No, I’m staying right here.”

“Then how do you think it is going to come out?”

            That question had me out the door and in front of the large medical building in no time so that they could slice me open. The doctors there were surprisingly well receptive to my plight, citing a recent upswing in alien abductions leading to male pregnancy. There was even a specialist originally from a bigger city that stepped in to assist.

            In what seemed to be too short of a time, I was leaving the hospital with the baby that caused me to lose. Claude Demarco.