A Wholesome Family Bachelor Party

            “Where are you headed off to, your lover’s house?” Freddie teased.

“No.” I gestured towards the shitty car parked down the street. “I’m going to work. Can’t just expect Mommy to pay all the bills forever.”

            I hadn’t expected to be forced to crawl my way up the Organization’s ladder from the very bottom. Sure, I was promoted to being a cutpurse after my first day, but I still would have thought they’d know I was better than that. I guess I didn’t mind the work though, taking orders from a faceless boss. Pickpocketing was pretty mindless. It’s nice to take a break and let my brain rest every now and then.

            Freddie had yet to get a job. He spent most of his days cleaning the house and licking snow cones. He also got a kick out of taking care of the lizard and snake I’d found during work. He shouldn’t have been making kissy faces at a reptile though; he should have been out there mating with Marcie and making plans of getting his own house. The loser was too chicken to even call her though. She’d grown into an adult, so I didn’t get what the big deal was.

            Dad’s ghost spent a lot of time in my expensive minor pet room as well. Every time I caught him shaking flakes into their bowls, I reminded myself that I had to get rid of his urn at some point. It was ridiculous to see him floating around, not even attempting to check on Mom.

            She tried not to show it, probably because it was illogical, but Mom still hurt whenever she saw his dumb spirit. When we were kids, she explained how it wasn’t really him, that our dad was in a place we couldn’t reach, but she refused to take down his urn. Part of her waited for him to spring up on random nights. Masochist.

            We never talked about her problem. It was an unspoken agreement though that us kids needed to spend extra time with her the day after his hauntings. Work was a nice excuse to get out of it. Usually it was Gloria or Freddie that took the brunt of her needy days.

            It was because of Dad’s ghost that I let Mom throw me a bachelor party. He had floated into her bedroom and looked right through her. If I hadn’t overheard her trying to speak to him, then I wouldn’t have felt enough pity to let her convince me that a party was just what I needed.

            “So you’re really going to marry that man?” Freddie snickered, interrupting my reflection over a cup of coffee. “You know you’re going to be required to have woohoo with him. Butt woohoo.”

I rolled my eyes. Normally he was more mature than that. How disappointing. “Nice clothes.”

            The only guests that Mom could find to come were Lois, Milton, and her boyfriend. I had to bite my tongue that it was a family reunion.

            “Are you sure you want us to stay?”

“What’s the harm? I highly doubt Mom hired a stripper or anything.”

“Oh,” Aubrey sighed. “I was kind of hoping to learn if boys have birds or bees. I can’t tell what mine is.”

“We’re going to end this conversation now.”

            I took the opportunity to spray nectar all over my neat freak twin. Oh, I had never heard such naughty words come out of his perfect little mouth. It was delightful.

            I left Freddie to go obsessively attempt to rid his clothes of the sticky substance. I popped upstairs to see where my ‘party’ had gone. I wasn’t surprised by what I found.

            While we were all upstairs (with the exception of Freddie who was in the bathroom), a visitor stopped by. Apparently, it was reported that it was getting hot in there.

            It took some time for the stripper to find anyone other than Aubrey. I tried not to wonder whether or not she got her answers.

            Upstairs wasn’t any better. I had no qualms with admiring his decent physique. Milton, on the other hand, made it clear that he was uncomfortable. And the pretend firefighter didn’t want to party it up for another teenager. Probably a pretty serious offence. He left and the mood got a little better.

            Mom finally trapped me long enough to have our talk. “Mother would like for me to ask what is wrong with you. She also requested that I hit you until your head was cleared of stupidity.”

“She sounds like quite the loving grandmother.”

“Mother is not the only one who wishes for the end to your relationship. The witch demands that the wedding be called off and for you to find an appropriate woman instead.” She’d been frowning, and I was a bit scared she was going to give me a piece of mind as well. Or, even worse, do that whole disappointed parent act. She didn’t though. Instead, she cracked a smile and put a hand on my arm. “Good job, Francis.”